Poli Sci 201 Can Suck It!

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Don't act like I never told ya

New Year's Resolution 2011:

Have a bigger ego.

(Seriously though. We all know that in the end I will never let it get to a point where I'm a jackass because it's completely against my nature, but we all know that I could stop selling myself short.)

I find Kanye's ego inspiring.

This is the story of a champion
Rounders in the mob and they pop the guns
Stand up stand up, here he comes
Tell me what it takes to be number one?
Tell me what it takes to be number one?

Some Jamz

I found a DVD with my old iTunes library on it and consequently found these songs that I made back in 07.


Bobo by dallinskinner

Uebeldallin by dallinskinner

Dither by dallinskinner

Google Translate Poetry

Sometimes I do not understand
what it means to me to be.
If I could one day after watching it,
including me, is it possible.
It was just so easy to see,
then I would be without the mess.

My computer just said this to me

best. song. ever.

I just realized that I'll only lose 5 points for one late day on a 100 point paper. You better believe (Most English speakers) I'm about to go to sleep and finish this tomorrow.

I would rather punch myself in the crotch 30 times than write a research paper. (Let me cite this. Once my sister included something an e-mail about how she would rather stand in front of an electric crotch punching machine than do some undesirable task. That idea has been floating in the back of my mind for the last several years and came up again. Let me dig up my mom's old e-mail account so I can get you the exact day. Also, various episodes of various TV shows, as well as various movies, as well as various personal experiences have taught me that being punched in the crotch is highly undesirable, from which stems the idea that it would be comical that I find writing a research paper more undesirable. Also, on that note, many TV shows have also suggested to me the idea that writing research papers is not generally considered a desirable thing by most people. Would you like me to cite those in MLA, APA, or ASA? Also, want me to cite why I find that comical?)

I had forgotten how much I hate them (Every damn person that's ever lived.)

givthanksing

I am grateful for Black Friday deals and consequently for my new Kanye cd, Parks and Rec season 1, George Foreman grill, big pillow, soft towel, 8gb jump drive, and Fantastic Mr. Fox. (And my sister's Wii.)

I hate how I constantly qualify everything I say.

Crystal Castles

Lately I have this fascination with Crystal Castles, not necessarily because I find their music pleasing to listen to but because I envy their in-your-facedness.

They are pretty bizarre though. And dark.

Check it Out

dallinskinner.com

I got this to put up some stuff I've been working on/playing with. One day I'll make it a full fledged portfolio site when I have time. But for now it's just a work in progress with a few cool things on it.

For the full experience, push play before scrolling down

This is what I was listening to when I posted everything last night. I feel like the full experience is missed without it.

Update: The first one I realized was super abrasive, so for a less intense version play the second one.

Adobe Photoshop CS (If someone can leave me a comment explaining why this is named this I'll send/give you a prize)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

#5 was more personal than usually makes sense to me to post on a blog. But it felt kind of liberating.

Return of the Jedi

What's that? You don't like hearing about people's dreams?




SUCK IT

Rocky V

Well Mr. Jung is dead, so I'll play psychoanalyst:

You somehow feel that you were supposed to figure out every aspect of your life on your mission and grow to a point where everything would be easy. You have this strange insecurity about your people skills that you've had ever since you were a child and you feel like you could perfect them with another two years of trying to convince people to get baptized. This feels like a safe arena since you can leave behind any sort of reputation and don't risk giving everyone in your social circle images of you trying to figure [] out and failing. Also, you feel insecure that somehow people expected you to be better at life than you seem to think you are and so that's why they're all suggesting that you go back.

Journey Through the Mists

Lately I keep having this dream where I'm going to go on another mission for 2 years. Usually in the dream everyone is encouraging me to go give it another shot because they tell me I haven't accomplished much in the last year so maybe I should "Pop 'er back in the oven for another 2 and then give it another shot at manhood". (No one has said anything remotely like that in my dream.)

But that's the emotion, I guess.

I wonder what Mr. Jung would have to say about this?

Part 3

Sometimes I feel dumb posting song lyrics because I wonder if how I'm interpreting it is COMPLETELY different than what the person intended and somehow the rest of the world knows what they actually intended and will think, "This guy's WAAAAY off" when they read it.

Writing that sentence out helped me see the absurdity in it. The hoi polloi doesn't know [].

I posted those lyrics because lately I feel like everyone around me is on the verge of new and exciting things and I'm just here idle with nothing to look forward to. I constantly daydream about my ideal life and cope by imagining that I'm almost there. Then I realize that my whole life I've been daydreaming about my ideal life and never once gotten there. And then I think, "That's it! Let's spice things up!" and then I realize I've been saying that my whole life too and things are still pretty bland.

late night web browsing leads me to this reflection about my life, Vol. II

Some days this song just hits the spot for me.

The Roots - Now or Never

Everything's changing around me
And I want to change too
It's one thing I know
It ain't cool being no fool

I feel different today
I don't know what else to say
But I'mma get my shit together
It's now or never

When I look into the mirror and see my own image
I feel like there's something else far in the distance
Something I wanna see, but something that's resistant
And everyday the hurting is growing more persistent

I never noticed it before, but now I can't miss it
And the constant pounding is driving me ballistic
I ran from it for years, but it's still next to me
And it's growing stronger, taking even less of me

I can't fight it now, I know it's just destiny
And I just wonder what's gonna happen when it catches me
Will it leave me face down in the Chesapeake?
Or will it just start bringing out the best in me?

But is the best in me really just the worst in me
And if so, yesterday could be my anniversary
In sinner's court, sip port and have church with me
I'm trying to get rid of these ghosts that's cursing me

I'm feeling change is an absolute certainty
Cause what's coming on is a state of emergency

late night web browsing leads me to this reflection about my life

Tonight at the 30 minute dance party I suddenly thought and felt with really strong emotion, "I am so bored of my life!" Then I looked around thinking, "Let's spice this up!"

Then I couldn't think of anything to do to spice it up.

So then I went back to dancing in a way that was only 1/3rd satisfying to me.



This really happened. And it's also a metaphor for how I feel about my life right now.

One for the Sabbath

I felt like compiling a list of my favorite Mormon quotes.

The first and fundamental principle of our holy religion is, that we believe that we have a right to embrace all, and every item of truth, without limitation or without being circumscribed or prohibited by the creeds or superstitious notions of men, or by the dominations of one another, when that truth is clearly demonstrated to our minds, and we have the highest degree of evidence of the same.

- Joseph Smith

Having been given great knowledge, the Saints were in constant danger of underestimating their own ignorance. It was necessary to remind them again and again that if God's gifts are treated lightly they will be lightly withdrawn. The Mormons have constantly slipped into the dangerous complacency of the student who feels superior because he has the only answerbook in the class.

- Hugh W. Nibley

What do you love truth for? . . . Because you think it will make you a ruler, or a Lord? If you conceive that you will attain to power upon such a motive, you are much mistaken. It is a trick of the unseen power, that is abroad amongst the inhabitants of the earth, that leads them astray, binds their minds, and subverts their understanding. Suppose that our Father in heaven, [or] our elder brother, the risen Redeemer, the Saviour of the world, or any of the Gods of eternity should act upon this principle, to love truth, knowledge, and wisdom, because they are all powerful [i.e., for what they could get out of them], . . . they would cease to be Gods; . . . the extension of their kingdom would cease, and their God-head come to an end.

- Brigham Young

It is no more natural for your lungs to expand and contract in breathing than it is for you to wish others to be like yourselves. . . . All of these classes act according to their faith and traditions, and each one of them says, "If you are not as I am, you are not right." This is just as natural as it is to breathe vital air. I wish this trait in the Saints to be done away. I want the Elders of Israel to learn to take people as they are.

- Brigham Young

When it becomes our duty to talk, we ought to be willing to talk. If we never exhibit the knowledge within us, the people will not know really whether we have any. Interchanging our ideas and exhibiting that which we believe and understand affords an opportunity for detecting and correcting errors and increasing our stock of valuable information. I have frequently thought that I should be very happy if I could hear the Elders of Israel speak their feelings and impart their knowledge pertaining to their fellow-beings, to earthly things, to heavenly things, to godliness, and God

- Brigham Young

No person has a right to say to another, "Why do you eat wheat bread, corn bread, or no bread at all? why do you eat potatoes, or why do you not eat them? why do you walk, or why do you sit down? why do you read this or that book? or why do you go to the right or the left?" . . . If the Elders of Israel could understand this a little better, we would like it, for the simple reason that if they had power given them now they manifest the same weaknesses in the exercise thereof as any other people

- Brigham Young

I do not wish any Latter-day Saint in this world, nor in heaven, to be satisfied with anything I do, unless the Spirit of the Lord Jesus Christ, the spirit of revelation, makes them satisfied...Suppose that the people were heedless, that they manifested no concern with regard to the things of the kingdom of God, but threw the whole burden upon the leaders of the people, saying, 'If the brethren who take charge of matters are satisfied, we are,' this is not pleasing in the sight of the Lord

- Brigham Young

And none are required to tamely and blindly submit to a man because he has a portion of the priesthood. We have heard men who hold the priesthood remark, that they would do anything they were told to do by those who presided over them, if they knew it was wrong; but such obedience as this is worse than folly to us; it is slavery in the extreme; and the man who would thus willingly degrade himself should not claim a rank among intelligent beings, until he turns from his folly. A man of God... would despise the idea. Others, in the extreme exercise of their almighty authority have taught that such obedience was necessary, and that no matter what the saints were told to do by their presidents, they should do it without asking any questions.

- Charles W. Penrose, Apostle and Counselor in First Presidency with Heber J. Grant and Joseph F. Smith

There is not enough of the attitude of the sincere investigator among us. When we come into a new field of research that will challenge our due and honest consideration, we should be warned against coming too quickly to a conclusion, of forming a decision too hastily. We should be scientific -- that is, open-minded, approaching new problems without prejudice, deferring a decision until all the facts are in. Some say that the open-minded leave room for doubt. But I believe we should doubt some of the things we hear. Doubt has a place if it can stir in one an interest to go out and find the truth for one's self.

I should like to awaken in everyone a desire to investigate, to make an independent study of religion, and to know for themselves whether or not the teachings of the Mormon church are true. I should like to see everyone prepared to defend the religion of his or her parents, not because it was the religion of our fathers and mothers but because they have found it to be the true religion. If one approaches it with an open mind, with a desire to know the truth, and if one questions with a sincere heart what one hears from time to time, he or she will be on the road to growth and service. There are altogether too many people in the world who are willing to accept as true whatever is printed in a book or delivered from a pulpit. Their faith never goes below the surface soil of authority.

As we all proceed to make our individual "declarations of independence," I hope we can distinguish between liberty and license, that we can realize that freedom is only a blessing if it is accompanied by wisdom and intelligence. At the same time, we all need to resist the down-drag of mental laziness which sometimes leads to the premature hardening of the intellectual arteries. And I would especially urge all of us to avoid sluggishness of spirit, which is the worst kind of lethargy. Some people are phlegmatic to a degree that would make a turtle seem intolerably vivacious. I admire men and women who have developed the questing spirit, who are unafraid of new ideas as stepping stones to progress. We should, of course, respect the opinions of others, but we should also be unafraid to dissent -- if we are informed. Thoughts and expressions compete in the marketplace of thought, and in that competition truth emerges triumphant. Only error fears freedom of expression.

Both science and religion beget humility. Scientists and teachers of religion disagree among themselves on theological and other subjects. Even in our own church men and women take issue with one another and contend for their own interpretations. This free exchange of ideas is not to be deplored as long as men and women remain humble and teachable. Neither fear of consequence or any kind of coercion should ever be used to secure uniformity of thought in the church. People should express their problems and opinions and be unafraid to think without fear of ill consequences. We should all be interested in academic research. We must go out on the research front and continue to explore the vast unknown. We should be in the forefront of learning in all fields, for revelation does not come only through the prophet of God nor only directly from heaven in visions or dreams. Revelation may come in the laboratory, out of the test tube, out of the thinking mind and the inquiring soul, out of search and research and prayer and inspiration.

We should be dauntless in our pursuit of truth and resist all demands for unthinking conformity. No one would have us become mere tape recorders of other people's thoughts. We should be modest and teachable and seek to know the truth by study and faith. There have been times when progress was halted by thought control. Tolerance and truth demand that all be heard and that competing ideas be tested against each other so that the best, which might not always be our own, can prevail.

Knowledge is the most complete and dependable when all points of view are heard. We are in a world of restlessness and skepticism, where old things are not only challenged but often disappear, but also a world of miraculous achievement, undreamed of accomplishment, and terrifying power. Science offers wonderful tools for helping to create the brotherhood of humanity on earth, but the cement of brotherhood does not come from any laboratory. It must come from the heart and mind and spirit of men and women.

We should continue to become acquainted with human experience through history and philosophy, science and poetry, art and religion... One of the most important things in the world is freedom of the mind; from this all other freedoms spring. Such freedom is necessarily dangerous, for one cannot think right without running the risk of thinking wrong, but generally more thinking is the antidote for the evils that spring from wrong thinking. More thinking is required, and we should all exercise our God-given right to think and be unafraid to express our opinions, with proper respect for those to whom we talk and proper acknowledgment of our own shortcomings.

We must preserve freedom of the mind in the church and resist all efforts to suppress it. The church is not so much concerned with whether the thoughts of its members are orthodox or heterodox as it is that they shall have thoughts. One may memorize much without learning anything. In this age of speed there seems to be little time for meditation.

And while all members should respect, support, and heed the teachings of the authorities of the church, no one should accept a statement and base his or her testimony upon it, no matter who makes it, until he or she has, under mature examination, found it to be true and worthwhile; then one's logical deductions may be confirmed by the spirit of revelation to his or her spirit, because real conversion must come from within...

- Hugh B. Brown, Apostle and Counselor to David O. McKay

Leaders are movers and shakers, original, inventive, unpredictable, imaginative, full of surprises that discomfit the enemy in war and the main office in peace. For the managers are safe, conservative, predictable, conforming organization men and team players, dedicated to the establishment.

The leader, for example, has a passion for equality. We think of great generals from David and Alexander on down, sharing their beans or maza with their men, calling them by their first names, marching along with them in the heat, sleeping on the ground, and being first over the wall. A famous ode by a long-suffering Greek soldier, Archilochus, reminds us that the men in the ranks are not fooled for an instant by the executive type who thinks he is a leader.

For the manager, on the other hand, the idea of equality is repugnant and even counterproductive. Where promotion, perks, privilege, and power are the name of the game, awe and reverence for rank is everything, the inspiration and motivation of all good men. Where would management be without the inflexible paper processing, dress standards, attention to proper social, political, and religious affiliation, vigilant watch over habits and attitudes, that gratify the stockholders and satisfy security?

"If you love me," said the greatest of all leaders, "you will keep my commandments. "If you know what is good for you," says the manager, "you will keep my commandments and not make waves." That is why the rise of management always marks the decline, alas, of culture. If the management does not go for Bach, very well, there will be no Bach in the meeting. If the management favors vile sentimental doggerel verse extolling the qualities that make for success, young people everywhere will be spouting long trade-journal jingles from the stand. If the management's taste in art is what will sell—trite, insipid, folksy kitsch—that is what we will get. If management finds maudlin, saccharine commercials appealing, that is what the public will get. If management must reflect the corporate image in tasteless, trendy new buildings, down come the fine old pioneer monuments.

On the other hand, leadership is an escape from mediocrity. All the great deposits of art, science, and literature from the past, on which all civilization has been nourished, come to us from a mere handful of leaders. For the qualities of leadership are the same in all fields, the leader being simply the one who sets the highest example; and to do that and open the way to greater light and knowledge, the leader must break the mold. "A ship in port is safe," says Captain Hopper speaking of management, "but that is not what ships were built for," she says, calling for leadership.

To quote one of the greatest of leaders, the founder of this institution, "There is too much of a sameness in this community. . . . I am not a stereotyped Latter-day Saint and do not believe in the doctrine . . . away with stereotyped 'Mormons'!" Good-bye all. True leaders are inspiring because they are inspired, caught up in a higher purpose, devoid of personal ambition, idealistic, and incorruptible.

- Hugh W. Nibley

Sorry Haters

But after last night and after listening to his new album again at work, I find myself much more fascinated and intrigued by the new Sufjan.

The years go fast but the days go so slow

I was thinking about this song today and looked up the lyrics and realized it captured a lot of what I was feeling.

Oh, noose
Tied myself in, tied myself too tight

Looking kind of anxious in your cross-armed stance
Like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
And I claim I'm not excited with my life anymore
So I blame this town, this job, these friends [I like you friends], the truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself and pinpoint who I am
When I finally get it figured out, I've changed the whole damn plan

Oh, noose
Tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Oh, noose
Tied myself in, tied myself too tight

Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon
Changed my mind so much I can't even trust it
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself

I really enjoyed that dance party. More than I have enjoyed any dance party in a while. I am attributing this success to one or more of the following factors:

1. Monster energy drink beforehand (however, around 12 I CRASHED)
2. Short shorts (with my Prefontaine costume)(Once that much is out there there's no point in holding anything back.)
3. Watching this beforehand:

Soc 112 - [My] Current Social Problems

I don't think I've ever left this class in a positive mood. I usually feel 1 of 3 things.

1. Raging anger and hatred like I want to punch someone.
2. Despair that I have no value in our society.
3. Stress that I'm running my own life into the ground.

I realize that most of these are overreactions but yet I can't help but feel them every Tuesday and Thursday.

Junior High

Lately I've been sick of all of the music I've been listening to so at work I go back and listen to stuff I used to listen to in 7th - 9th grade. Sometimes I still really like it, sometimes I don't like it at all.

Today I listened to Four Minute Mile and the Woodson and Red Letter Day EPs by The Get Up Kids and I can't get enough of it.

Hey Barret, read this one first you conceited buttface

I'm just k'in ya.

That post a few posts back that looks like a poem was really just a joke between me and Barret. That was a paragraph from that post about Facebook stalking that I translated from language to language using Google translate and then back into English then added line breaks to look like a poem.

I just found out that one of my friends I used to skate with back home committed suicide yesterday. I haven't talked to him in at least 3 years and we weren't super close so I'm not super emotional, but it still kind of gives me a knot in stomach, shocked kind of feeling.

edgy

There are things about this that I don't like but I'm posting it anyway

I made this when I was 16. I wish I would have made the beginning part with the alien pictures flow a little better, the flashing part is kind of choppy and clumsy I feel. I like all the pictures that I used, I just wish that I had edited it to flash more and faster and just had everything lined up with the beat of the music more.

P.S.

This old post is pertinent to my last post.

Today I suddenly felt like my brain has been choking my heart. Sometimes I feel like those two are always in a battle.

I feel like I need some new hobbies, or rather, I feel like I need to get back into my old hobbies. I checked out a book about skateboard art and another book about Zines. I miss making stuff in Photoshop, stencils, drawing, web design, etc. When I was subscribed to Transworld Skateboarding my favorite thing each week was an article about some artist who was related to the skateboard industry.

Favorites that I can remember:
Andrew Pommier
Lori D
This dude

I had more to link to but I just went to the site that listed the links I wanted to get to and realized it's gone now. Which makes me sad because I have no other way of ever getting to it.

Update: I just found them thanks to the internet archive. But there aren't as many there as I thought there were.

I always feel super insecure about any artwork that I do. Especially at BYU. Mostly because I know nothing about art. I stopped taking art classes in 9th grade. (I just dropped out of one yesterday also.) But I want to do it more and just learn as I go and not worry about theory or whatever. It's not like it will be my job. Plus, I am one of those people who wants to get into a new thing so I spend a lot of time reading and learning about it and never actually doing it. I think it will be good practice to say, "I'm doing this. React how you will" and then put it out there without more thought to it.

I realize that I miss doing all the creative stuff I used to do in High School though. A lot. I got pretty decent at Photoshop and stuff back in those days. I am going to post this motion graphics thing I made. It's not super awesome but I think it was pretty good for what it was at the time. I was 16 when I made it.

Also, I notice that whenever I go through identity crises (which seem to happen to me every few months since being at college) I almost always remember skateboard culture that I was so into growing up and realize that is how I feel comfortable defining myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm just some intruder kid from Wyoming trying to fit myself into some subculture where I don't belong or don't understand, but then I realize that that's BS and that growing up skateboarding is what influenced me and my interests and what made me what I am today instead of some kid working at a gas station back home at 22, married to some girl I knocked up while listening to Toby Keith in the back of my truck. Skateboard culture is so much more than just skateboarding though. I feel like, to a certain extent, skateboarding is sort of a safehouse for misfits (in a positive way). It's a positive place for those who don't feel connected to mainstream culture, (but, like I said, in a positive way.) For those that realized that there's just a lot of cruel pretentious bullshit going on in society for no good reason and it's a safe place to step back from all the social facades and be real. (As a disclaimer, there are always a bunch of punk ass kids at the skatepark who don't get it and are just straight up punks, but that's not what it's about. Those who are truly in touch with the culture realize it's more than that.) I feel like I'm doing a terrible job at explaining this. I wish I had all my old magazines because I could quote an article about that. I always feel at home when I realize that. I never feel out of place and I never feel like I'm trying to be something I'm not. One time freshman year one of my sister's older friends asked me, "So what are you all about man?" and I really didn't know how to answer him, which made me feel like I didn't know who I was, what I was doing in life, and what I cared about. Which was true. Then later that year when I moved back home and starting skateboarding with my younger friends and reading skate magazines and watching videos a lot I felt like I had rediscovered a part of myself that I had forgotten was at my core. It wrote the thesis statement for my life.

On a side note: Today I think I decided that I like Philosophy more than Sociology. That's fine though, because I'm already 1/3 done with a Philosophy minor.

Damn your Eyes

Draw a very interesting,
though not directly related
to the end of after
to belong in a way I think.

Especially because he is the cause
and/or notes for Facebook to a new
(Unwanted) manners of the nations simply:
the people.

It admits the file (as) a new one.
This basically is the instrument of focus
that the people allow the
normal human behavior to reason,
which focused on what was not first.

At least it's me.
Just as I, because I enlarge on what is
the criteria to define that
narcissism was given to any other relation.

Here's to you Mr. Kerouac

Somewhere along last night my pissed-offedness turned into a useful anger in which I felt very assertive and in a way that made me feel like, "Hey, I'm doing this. If you don't like it too bad." And I mean "this" as in, pursuing whatever I want without over thinking it and worrying about things that could go wrong. Basically, I am sick of worrying about what-ifs. And it feels good now.

. . .because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn. . .

Suck It Provo

Remember when I wrote that post writing about how everyone hates on Provo and then quoted the Atmosphere song? I take it back. Right now I feel like giving a hearty double barreled birdies to Provo and everything in it.

Rationally I can think of a hundred reasons to not feel this way and how it could be better if I just did X and Y blah blah suck it but right now I'm sick of being so logically responsible.

I'm just gonna be pissed.

Interesting Article

No, Facebook Does Not Make You Narcissistic

I think this is very interesting, and while not directly related to my last post, I think it's somewhat relevant. Mostly because it points out that Facebook is not causing or creating new (undesirable) human behavior, it is just a tool allowing humans to behave (the same) in new ways. Basically, it is just a tool allowing humans to bring focus to an aspect of normal human behavior that hasn't had as much focus as before. At least, that's what I feel. Also, I like the point he makes about the fact that the criteria to define narcissism is probably differing between those citing the data.

Basically, I just hate when something new comes along and everyone suddenly jumps on a point-out-negative-things-about-this-new-thing bandwagon. Because usually what they are pointing out are faults in human behavior that existed before said new thing appeared. I also hate shows like Dateline. Even when they make a point that I somewhat agree with, I always disagree with the way they've made it because it's overly simplified and presented on a very shallow level, which can create strong emotion in (non critically thinking) viewers without giving them a sound understanding of the problem. And zeal without knowledge is always a bad combination.

Secret (Crotch) Crusher (Double Meanings! Get it?!)

Sometimes I'd like to imagine that someone who has never met me, or maybe, someone who is acquainted with someone I know but who I've never actually met reads the stuff I write and has a secret crush on me.

I feel like our society is in an interesting position right now because I think that things like Facebook and Blogs have become part of our culture, yet we keep saying words like Facebook stalk and Blog stalk. Personally, if someone I doesn't know likes to check out my Facebook or Blog, I am flattered and don't consider it stalking. Yet we all keep acting like we have to be ashamed of it. Maybe if you started sending me pictures of a high heel stomping on a testicle (based on a true story that happened to me) with menacing subject lines, then yes, I would say you have gone too far and are now in the area of "stalking." Or if you started relentlessly messaging me without me ever responding, then that would be "stalking." Obviously those are extreme behaviors, and obviously, extreme behaviors are undesirable in any circumstance and aren't the product of Facebook or Blogs, they are the product of crazy people who'd be crazy with or without modern technology. So let's stop comparing ourselves to them for a behavior that I'm pretty sure is normal. I don't feel that perusing the Facebook/Blog of someone I don't actually know/know well is "stalking" because that's just what we do these days. And if I really felt you were invading my privacy by doing so I would put a password on my Blog or put some serious privacy restrictions on my Facebook, or not post pictures on Facebook, or just write in a private journal, etc.

Anyways, secret cyber crusher-on-me, if you exist or will exist sometime in the future, I give you full permission to read my blog as much as you want.

Reading List

Books I want to read and/or finish:

• On The Road - Jack Kerouac
• The Autobiography of Malcolm X
• Breakfast of Champions - Kurt Vonnegut
• The Art of Loving - Erich Fromm

When I started this I really felt like there were more. I guess not. Any suggestions anyone?

Dear Dallin

I just wrote an e-mail to myself. I pretended like it was a weekly e-mail home like a missionary letter and I wrote about my observations about that week, what I felt, what I wanted and at one point I gave myself chills because what I said was so cool. I feel so good right now. That was the best idea I've ever had.

Dear Soc 112 Class

I've been regretting that I didn't raise my hand and tell this to your face so now I guess the best I can do is a somewhat passive-aggressive blog post that none of you will (most likely) never ever read; however, I still feel like putting it out there anyways.

The fact that you could honestly think that you "worked harder" and thus deserved to get into BYU where you could study and thus have more opportunities to make more money is completely absurd to me. First of all, what actually are you referring to as "working hard?" I heard you mention extra-curricular activities and once again, how is it that you can think that by joining extracurricular activities you were "working harder"? I know several kids who worked part time after school who don't have the opportunities that you have and I think it's complete bullshit that you think that by joining choir you were "working harder" than the kid who went home and worked on the farm, or the kid who worked construction, or even the kid working at the convenient store after school instead of choir/football/whatever it was that you did that was such "hard work". First of all, philosophically I think it's going to be very hard to define what exactly "work" is and how you can define when someone is working "hard" and that you are "working harder" than they are. Do you have some sort of hard work-o-meter that at the end of the day you hold up to yourself and tells you, "today you did 65.84 hard-work-a-units" and then you check your neighbors and see they only did 33.5? And second of all, even if you did have such a contraption and there were some way to objectively measure "hard work" I could hardly convince myself that you were exerting more "hard work" than everyone else. I'm sure you worked harder than some, but I doubt you worked as much as you are telling yourself you did.

Here's the thing, it's not that I'm mad at you for having the opportunities that you have, any more than I can be mad at myself, it just bothers me that you are telling yourself that you somehow earned it. I'm mad at you for thinking that you actually deserve them more than someone else. You don't. I think it's screwed up that there are people who have had to work a lot harder to gain advantages that I have; however, I don't expect anyone to just give up the opportunities that they have. I'm just asking you let go of your false sense of superiority and entitlement, pull your head out of your ass and try to have a little more sympathy and understanding for those who aren't privileged. Because you aren't better than them, no matter how many [fill in your own favorite adjective] extracurricular activities you did in high school.

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

If I could somehow permanently put my brain into the state that it gets in at a good dance party all of my problems would be solved for the rest of my life.

Which basically means, if I could just somehow break out of all my inhibitions permanently I'd be set and all my wildest dreams would come true. But I feel like every time I go to sleep and wake up they all come back.

I often feel like most people would really love me if I could be my uninhibited normal self, but I feel like that is hidden under layers of other stuff, basically insecurity, which I don't want to admit, but I'm doing it anyway. But I feel like that part doesn't ever fully come out that often but is most within reach right after a dance party.

This is really funny

passion

Lately I find myself saying "I hate/love that" more. It started sort of as a joke to me because that's what my 3 year old nephew says. He is always one extreme or the other. But now I think it feels good to say. One time, back in the days of diaryland, I wrote a post about how I didn't like to feel passionate about anything.

Those days are gone.

Transitions

Whenever I go through some sort of transition I go through what I am going to call Transitional Depression. I almost always look forward to things changing and then when they actually do, all of a sudden I realize what is happening and feel sort of depressed for a few days. I'm not even able to pinpoint what it is that I feel depressed about exactly. I just feel it.

?

Today I tried to come to my own blog on campus and hit the firewall.

I'm attempting to be known as Noel in my new ward. This is weird for me to get used to, but, there are so many dallins these days that I'm getting sick of being 1 of 5.

Sometimes I regret that I wasn't more mischievous as a kid. I don't really mean I wish I would've gone around getting girls pregnant and spreading STDs, burning down buildings, killing people, etc. but just other things, sluffing* class, sneaking out at night, toilet papering, etc.

I feel like this created an unhealthy fear of criticism or discipline instead of getting used to the fact that not everyone will agree or like what you do or have to say, I was constantly sort of weaseling around trying to please everyone. I wish I would've learned to accept discipline or criticism and then positively bounce back from it instead of just avoiding it like the plague. Even though I have gotten over it some, I still feel like I have a ton of conditioned responses to situations where I avoid disappointing someone or behaving in a way that could generate criticism purely as a knee-jerk reaction without even thinking. Basically this converts into me trying to living up to perceived expectations, which is silly, for multiple reasons.

Also, I wish I would've realized that there is no inherit goodness in rules. Just because a rule exist doesn't mean it should. Some rules are better than other rules. Some rules are more justified than other rules. But as a kid, to me, at times it seemed like every single rule was by default justified and any deviance from rules was "bad" and if I deviated from it, which I did at times anyways, deep down inside I felt guilty and that I would've been better off not having done it. I even at times would feel unnecessary guilt for things that weren't even rules.

And, frankly, I find mischievous people to be a whole lot more interesting than people who are terrified of breaking rules. Mostly because, in my opinion, they usually have a better ability to see things as they really are and think for themselves.

Obviously there needs to be balance in all things, but my point is that I feel that on the spectrum of amount of obedience to rules that both extreme sides are unhealthy and negative. Complete disregard of anything can be dangerous but also absolute regard of everything can have negative impacts too.



*(Side note: I couldn't care less if they call it something else where you're from. It's a word, used to communicate an idea, and if you know what I'm talking about then it's job is finished. Who cares about particulars here. Your vocabulary is not better than mine. Your state is not better than mine. Your culture is not better than mine. Get over yourself and your accent or whatever other stupid, menial, fragile crap you base your self-esteem on.)

Iceberg Beliefs

Strengthen Resiliency: Avoid Emotional Icebergs

I was just reading this article about "iceberg beliefs" and found it very interesting. Basically, an iceberg belief is some sort of fixed idea that we hold that we expect to be absolutely true about the world around us. They don't always have to be bad but I feel most of the time, if someone isn't self-aware and self-honest enough to check themselves they cause more harm than good.

Basically, an iceberg belief is some sort of stupid, catchy little saying that you are taught as a kid and accept it to be true without ever really challenging it, or thinking that you need to challenge it. The articles suggests also that many times when we recognize that we have an emotional overreaction to a situation that we know doesn't deserve that kind of reaction it is because on the surface we logically realize it's stupid but deep down we have just collided with one of our "iceberg beliefs".

For example:

Dan’s iceberg belief is, “People must respect me at all times.” As he’s driving to work, someone cuts him off. He spends the rest of the commute riding the guy’s ass, cursing, and flashing his high beams.

Jeff’s iceberg belief is “Manliness can be judged by how good you are with the ladies.” He approaches an attractive woman, and she totally blows him off. James feels deeply hurt and spends the rest of the week replaying the moment and feeling angry and depressed.

Joe’s iceberg belief is that “A man never quits what he starts.” His son Jeremy comes to him one night and tells him that he’s quitting the hockey team because he doesn’t enjoy it anymore. Joe becomes enraged at his son, telling him he’s a loser for giving up, and he’ll never amount to anything in life.

One of the most frustrating things to me is when people hold these sorts of iceberg beliefs but refuse to give them up when they are actually causing them more harm than good. They don't realize that that which they are clinging onto is really holding them back from what would actually make them happy. Or when people completely misjudge and write-off situations because of some stupid held belief that isn't always true. Or they refuse to do certain things, get to know certain people, etc. because of some silly belief that they think the entire world also believes and obeys but really doesn't. Or especially, when someone tries to hold you back from what you really want because they are demanding that you obey some silly belief that they hold. Really they are just projecting their insecurity onto you and trying to protect you from what makes them uncomfortable.

Iceberg beliefs can almost all be traced to the way you were brought up. If your dad was a super stoic guy, “Men don’t show emotion,” might be one of your icebergs. If your mom was Miss Manners, one of your iceberg beliefs might be: “People who are impolite are not worth knowing.”

I also wish people in this world were more familiar with confirmation bias, because this allows people to continue living under false delusions and clinging to false self-defeating beliefs and behaviors solely because they only choose to recognize and acknowledge evidence that coincides with what they already know and ignore any evidence that suggests anything else. Even if there is more evidence for the opposing side.

So Gary believes, “All women are untrustworthy and manipulative.” At the start of his relationship with Sarah, she tells him that she isn’t looking to date anyone seriously. After a few weeks Gary tells Sarah that he wants to become more serious, and she tells him that they shouldn’t see each other anymore because that’s not what’s she’s looking for. Gary will seize on this snub, while ignoring what Sarah told him at the beginning of their relationship, and will declare that women are all a bunch of liars and Sarah just wanted him to take her out and pay for her meals. He may even seek out women who are untrustworthy and manipulative, to unconsciously confirm his bias. The mind can be a tricky thing.

Unhealthy Altruism

Once when I was 18 at Thanksgiving I was talking about how I always focused and thought about how I could try to always handle every situation in the best way possible. For example, if I had a conflict with my friend I would always think, what is the best, most responsible way to handle this situation and try to make every single action blameless. My sister also said, "Yeah that's what I do too!" or maybe it was the other way around.

Then my Dad said, "I think you are all crazy and need to just relax and not worry about stuff like that so much." Or something along those lines.

He was right.

I also now realize, that in conflicts, the most responsible thing to do is just say exactly how you feel, even if what you feel isn't the seemingly "best" and/or most justified thing to feel. (Another idea that is completely absurd to me, that we attach value judgments to emotions.) Part of being alive is to experience anger, frustration, jealousy, hatred, etc. There is no point in saying "I shouldn't be feeling this." Obviously you need to put constraints on your actions that you take when you feel those emotions lest you do something you regret, but, I feel that when you feel those emotions you should allow yourself to experience them and recognize why you feel them and take action to resolve it if necessary. If you seem to be overreacting to an insignificant situation though (which many people may say, "you shouldn't feel that way about this", it may indicate that there is something deeper going on that needs to be dealt with which is manifesting itself through the seemingly insignificant situation.

But it's foolish to say "it's bad to feel this" because those emotions aren't going to leave. Even if you try to control all of your feelings you will never eradicate the "bad" feelings because it's impossible. But I don't think there are "bad" feelings. There may be emotions which have a tendency to lead you to act rashly in ways you may later regret, but that doesn't mean those emotions are bad and should be avoided at all costs.

I don't know if this is making any sense.

Romance

When I was in high school I always remember feeling frustrated/confused at times when people would portray/communicate one thing to me about their current love interest and then I would see them interacting with said love interest and see them communicate something completely different to them.

I have two theories to explain this:

1. Human relationships can be incredibly complex and while one may feel frustration/hurt/anger/resentment towards their love interest (which gets emphasized when they communicate to a 3rd party) and also love/connection/whatever-the-hell-you-call-it towards their love interest (which they emphasize when communicate to them). Thus it seems inconsistent, but really they feel both things at the same time.

2. People are just full of shit. And just can't stand to let people know what they really feel because they feel some sort of responsibility to obey some sort of non-existent perceived social rules that says they can't. So they just bullshit their love interest to protect their feelings from reality so their love interest can just keep clinging to a false delusion instead of experiencing life, moving on, and continuing to experience more of life.

This also makes me wonder if sometimes we get frustrated at other people's seemingly inconsistent behavior because we don't understand what we've communicated to that person. Their behavior may seem inconsistent with what we think of them but it is actually consistent with what we've let that person think we think of them. But we don't realize it because we don't realize how poorly we've communicated our feelings to them.



Also note: I realize that I am guilty of the said behaviors above also and I'm not trying to say that I'm not. I hope no one feels like I am condemning them or passively aggressively attacking them on here. I am just saying what I think but I realize also at times, although I strive to, I may not always live up to my own principles and I don't want to pretend like I do. Anyways, the point is, don't feel like I'm saying, "I don't like how you do this" because I'm really saying "I don't like how we, collectively, do this". Myself included.

¡Viva la Revolución!

Alissa brought it to my attention today that I haven't written anything for 18 days. I have a few things I want to write about that will be here soon, but, until then, enjoy this.



Cats love roombas. Cats want to take over the world from humans. They're just using us for now because they haven't figured out how to overpower us yet. This looks cute but rest assured that what's going through all of their minds is the realization of how they can use this to mobilize in the revolution.

Dance Dance Evolution

Have there always been babies that have been this good at dancing and I've just never noticed? Or is the human race evolving such that babies getting better and better?

"I COULD care less"

I realize that the proper way to say this is "I couldn't care less" because you are saying that you don't care at all, and it's supposed to be one of those English mistakes that everyone makes; however, sometimes when I say "I could care less" I actually mean "I could care less".

If you are trying to say that you don't care at all, I agree, saying "I could care less" makes no sense. But, in some situations I have noticed myself say this and then realized that saying "I could care less" is exactly what I meant to say. The reason being is that usually I'm saying that I do care a little but I'm only doing you/it/them a favor by caring as much as I do. As in, "Look, I don't care at all about this, but I am giving it a little concern or thought because I know it's important to you. But remember, if anything of higher priority ever came along and made me choose between this or that I'd probably drop this in a second."

So I'm saying, I care a little bit for your sake, but if it ever came down to it, I COULD care less.

P.S. Provo

This is for everyone around the planet
That wishes they were from somewhere other than where they standin'
Don't take it for granted, instead take a look around
Quit complaining and build something on that ground
Plant something on that ground, dance and sleep on that ground
Get on your hands and knees and watch the ants walk around
That ground Make a family, make magic, make a mess
Take the stress, feel your motivation and build your nest

Atmosphere - Shh...

Oh, Provo

Lately I've been noticing how everyone, EVERYONE, coming from all spectrums of the social realm make derogatory Provo remarks. I think that there are more people who mock Provo stereotypes than there are actual existing instances of Provo stereotypes. I think the things we mock are increasingly becoming things that don't actually exist but we all talk about them like they do exist because we hear others talk about it and it seems like they could exist, but in reality, if we opened our eyes and went searching, we would find that there are very few actual instances of those behaviors. Or maybe not very few, but they definitely aren't a majority.

At home I was looking at this book of compiled e-mails I had written my family on my mission. I sort of miss writing a weekly letter to someone. It was self-therapeutic. I wish I had someone to write a weekly letter to.

we watched this movie. i liked this part.

Te felicito, joven

The other day I was looking through some old stuff saved on my Google Docs account and realized that the younger me was a lot wiser than I sometimes give him credit for.

Also

I realize that many times I don't actually say what I feel or think to others, or explain why I like certain things I give them a watered down lame version of what I actually really think. I have absolutely no reason to do this but for some reason I have the habit of doing that by default, almost as if I have to be ashamed of what I really think or feel, which is ridiculous. I feel like I've come to this realization several times during the past few years of my life (like June 3, 2007 for example, and also in several e-mails I wrote to my family while on the mission) and I make the goal to do better but then slowly slip back.

For example, the other day someone said they liked the picture on the background of my phone (of Julia de Burgos) and then asked who it was. I said, "Oh, it's this Puerto Rican poet. I found a poem of hers once in a Spanish book that a missionary was studying and liked it." Then that would've been a perfect opportunity to explain why I liked the poem which would have given that person key insights into what really interests me and what values I hold, etc. but I didn't.

I realize that that was one of the key characteristics that I liked in myself after the mission, and I think that's one of the key characteristics I feel like I'm lacking now. Basically, I feel like few people actually know me beneath-the-surface and I realize that's why.

Someone also told me that reading my blog they understand me more, which I liked, but made me realize that I also don't want people to have to read my blog to understand me.

I realize that in my head I sometimes translate "quiet and reserved" as "insignificant", which isn't necessarily true.

Homesick

Hey fatty Skinner, lose some weight.

Even though I can think of a ton of things about the mission that I'd never want to go back to, when I look at these pictures I feel so homesick for this transfer. It is by far one of my the fondest memories of my mission. 

give/take

Lately I've been feeling discontent in that I never feel like I'm creating (I hate saying that because it sounds like some insincere pretentious bullshit crap but I can't think of a better word) things. (Start mocking voice w/ body language that suggests I'm trying to be cooler than I am to impress others with my crappy half-baked philosophy) "Yeah I feel like I'm taking everything more than I'm giving." (end voice). Shut up Dallin.

Anyways.

I feel like I have so many good ideas stuck inside of me that never come out. I feel like I could contribute and interact more. I feel like I could be a lot more significant than I currently am, because other people won't give a rat's ass who I am and what I have to say if I never say it. I guess I feel like there's a lot of incongruency in what I think about and what I feel and the actual image that I project outside to others. Incongruency between what's on the inside and what's projected to others on the outside.

I found this poem in a Spanish book once by a Puerto Rican poet named Julia de Burgos. The poem is called "To Julia de Burgos" and it is supposed to be a letter written from the rawer, more honest version of herself to her social self. I have loved it ever since. I currently have a picture of her as the background on my phone. Here is an english translation. I like it better in Spanish because it seems to flow and rhyme better. Especially the line

Tú te rizas el pelo y te pintas; yo no;
a mí me riza el viento; a mí me pinta el sol.

and

En mí no, que en mí manda mi solo corazón,
mi solo pensamiento; quien manda en mí soy yo

It just isn't the same in English.

A link to the Spanish version.

To Julia de Burgos

Already the people murmur that I am your enemy
because they say that in verse I give the world your me.

They lie, Julia de Burgos. They lie, Julia de Burgos.
Who rises in my verses is not your voice. It is my voice
because you are the dressing and the essence is me;
and the most profound abyss is spread between us.

You are the cold doll of social lies,
and me, the virile starburst of the human truth.

You, honey of courtesan hypocrisies; not me;
in all my poems I undress my heart.

You are like your world, selfish; not me
who gambles everything betting on what I am.

You are only the ponderous lady very lady;
not me; I am life, strength, woman.

You belong to your husband, your master; not me;
I belong to nobody, or all, because to all, to all
I give myself in my clean feeling and in my thought.

You curl your hair and paint yourself; not me;
the wind curls my hair, the sun paints me.

You are a housewife, resigned, submissive,
tied to the prejudices of men; not me;
unbridled, I am a runaway Rocinante
snorting horizons of God’s justice.

You in yourself have no say; everyone governs you;
your husband, your parents, your family,
the priest, the dressmaker, the theatre, the dance hall,
the auto, the fine furnishings, the feast, champagne,
heaven and hell, and the social, “what will they say.”

Not in me, in me only my heart governs,
only my thought; who governs in me is me.
You, flower of aristocracy; and me, flower of the people.
You in you have everything and you owe it to everyone,
while me, my nothing I owe to nobody.

You nailed to the static ancestral dividend,
and me, a one in the numerical social divider,
we are the duel to death who fatally approaches.

When the multitudes run rioting
leaving behind ashes of burned injustices,
and with the torch of the seven virtues,
the multitudes run after the seven sins,
against you and against everything unjust and inhuman,
I will be in their midst with the torch in my hand.

Dance Party

I wish I could constantly feel the way I do after a dance party. Uninhibited and energetic. It's like you just have to shake all the lethargy and inhibition out. If I lived alone I would start everyday with a dance party.

Teen Angst

The past few days and especially the past 24 hours I've felt like Holden Caulfield. I feel angry at nearly everyone and everything (myself included) for being phony (more or less). I'm not sure what brought this on and I realize I may not be justified but I still feel it.

Good and Evil

One of the most profound lessons of my mission was when I had to write a 7 page letter explaining everything I had ever done wrong. It was a horrible experience and I think it was a little unnecessary but at the time it gave me a sort of OCD about everything and I became overly analytical and critical and paranoid of every single thing I did. I also felt really guilty over the stupidest of things. Anyways, not (necessarily) the point.

For some reason I felt that in my confession I had to portray myself in the worse possible light. I spent several days scanning things in my head and started feeling guilty of the tiniest things and when you take everything you've ever done and portray it in the worst possible way and write 7 pages of it, anyone can seem like the most pathetic evil person.

The lesson I learned was how much I hate sensationalism. I came to the realization that portrayed in the worst possible light I looked like the most pathetic missionary but most of the time I never had bad intentions or had purposely calculated to be some horrible missionary but if you gave my 7 page list to the average relief society member they would think, this is the worst missionary ever. But, I would dare say that if you took any missionary and had him write any little thing he had done wrong over the past few months and portrayed it in the worst possible light anyone would look at it think "how awful".

I feel like the media in the US (and maybe other places I don't know) is based off of this principle, sensationalism, as in, taking every small piece of dirt you can find in a person then listing it off and saying, "how awful", even though I know that you could take any person and do the exact same thing including whatever idiot journalist/news commentator/politician/whatever is saying it.

If I ever hear someone quote some sort of stupid little anecdote about some person as proof of why I shouldn't listen to them/vote for them/whatever I immediately think substantially less of them, for A) quoting it back to someone else without first applying critical thinking (-100 points) and B) believing it (-10 points) C) insulting my intelligence by thinking I would believe it and jump on the bandwagon (-1000 points).

There are no black hats and white hats. People are way too complicated to portray this way. No one is "perfect" and no one is "evil".

Clichés

I hate clichés because most of the time they are based off of some profound piece of wisdom but it has gotten so repeated that the people who say it don't actually understand it and the people who hear it probably don't actually understand it either, but then they think that they (alliteration) do (Spanish pronunciation on the d which is similar to th). I hate them because it is sort of a cheapening of wisdom. Because then if you really do want to reference the clichéd thing there will be many people who will agree with you but who don't actually fully understand you but don't realize that they don't.

Embarrassing

Lately I feel like I realize that embarrassing things are only embarrassing if you allow yourself to be embarrassed by it. A few weeks ago I accidentally went to the wrong apartment thinking that it was Nathan's. I realized that it wasn't the right apartment and then said to the kid, "Wait, is this number 8?" He said, "No, this is 6". I laughed and said, "oh, how embarrassing" but I didn't actually feel embarrassed and walked out and didn't let it get to me. I think it's only embarrassing if all of a sudden your self-confidence crumbles. Then it gets very uncomfortable for everyone. Yet letting your self-confidence crumble is actually your choice. You may be conditioned to let it crumble in classically embarrassing situations but if you don't actually let it crumble then it's not actually embarrassing and you don't feel pathetic and thus don't get perceived as pathetic which is why you are embarrassed in the first place. The embarrassing situation doesn't cause the embarrassment but your response to the embarrassing situation causes it. I'd like to think that people would think, "Wow, that guy is in an embarrassing situation yet I don't feel uncomfortable because he doesn't seem uncomfortable" and I'd like to think that I'm right.

Transparent

Lately I think that life would be better if we weren't so attached to the idea of privacy. I think we all cling on to "privacy" too much. I think this because I think that we as humans do many things which we consider weird that we don't like to admit too but the longer I live the more I suspect that everyone does weird things. I bet you would find that an overwhelming majority of humans do the same thing. Thus, it shouldn't be considered weird if almost everyone does it. Yet everyone just pretends that they don't do it, or won't admit to it.

What if all of our secret behaviors/likes/dislikes/hobbies/etc. were known? What if our problems were known? At first it seems like if somehow all of our dirty laundry were suddenly ripped from us and strewn everywhere it would be unbearingly embarrassing, and it would, if someone was completely exposed to a world where everyone kept under wraps. But imagine if suddenly, all at once, you could know every tiny thing about any given person at any moment and they could know the same about you. It would be scary to have everything readily available to everyone else, but then they would be readily available to you. I theorize also, that at that point, whatever it was that we felt embarrassed about and that we felt we had to hide wouldn't be that embarrassing if everyone all at once was exposed. We would realize that it isn't that embarrassing because most people would have the same thing or something similar or worse.

Then I think society would be much healthier and we could actually deal with problems.

It's tricky though because it's kind of like one of those situations where everyone has their gun pointed at everyone else and no one wants to be the first to put down their gun. It would be better if everyone put down their gun at once but no one wants to risk that if they put down their gun then no one else would put down their gun.

This just in

I am as tall as Thom Yorke.

A Response to Barret's Open Letter

Dear Barret,

This made me think of times in the mission when I realized this same thing. I realized after having one companion that did so many things day to day that just drove me nuts that I would spend all day just thinking about how much I hated him. Even though I knew I shouldn't hate him, I was in a mental state where every single thing he did or said just drove me absolutely nuts, so much that as he was teaching I would envision hitting him with my scriptures or pushing him off the end of the couch because everything he was saying as he taught drove me absolutely nuts. One day I finally told him about many of the things that bothered me and I felt so so so much better and as we ironed out our differences which took no longer than 15 minutes we both got along better than ever. In fact, once I had told him about all the stuff that bothered me it no longer bothered me that he did it. I even said to him after it was all over, you know what, I don't even care anymore if you do X anymore, I just feel better knowing that you know it bothers/ed me. Then I always tried to handle any problem that annoyed me right away as it happened instead of letting it boil away inside of me. Even pretty big things, like once I got really mad and told one of my companions that he was way too arrogant and all of the ward members hated him and thus hated us because he was passively-aggressively rude to everyone and once he realized that I honestly believed that he believed he was better than everyone he started crying, but after about a 20 minute discussion we got along better than we ever had all transfer.

I also like what Dr. Blanton said in the video I posted on my tumblog about how many times when we are mad at people we aren't actually mad at them, we are mad at our own perceptions of them, which usually aren't a very accurate portrayal of that actual person. There is a book called "Bonds that Make us Free" by a BYU philosophy Professor that is basically about that whole subject and has countless examples. One I can remember (sort of) was a couple who constantly fought at Christmas time because the husband always felt that his wife put so much work and emphasis on presents and decorations and doing all these activities that he felt that they never actually got quality family time during christmas because they were too overscheduled with everything, so he would always complain and try to challenge his wife by participating as little as possible (which was his way of putting his foot down) so that christmastime wouldn't wreck their normal family life. However, on the wife's end, she interpreted his actions as just a plain bad attitude towards christmas and because she wanted so badly to feel united and together as a family at christmas she felt like she had to try and do all these things to get him in the christmas spirit but they both resented each other for their actions and with more time they both became stronger and stronger in their actions and views and just created more and more resentment and bigger problems between them which lasted for years. The husband felt that if he gave into his wife's demands then she would take over and Christmas would be ruined for everyone. The wife felt that if she gave into her husband's demands then Christmas wouldn't be meaningful and would be ruined for everyone. Finally, because this was causing so much trouble in their marrige and family they went and saw the guy who wrote the book for marriage counseling (or something along those lines, I may be fudging the specific details) and as they talked about it they realized where each other were coming from and that basically, they both wanted the same thing at christmas time, family togetherness, and once they got everything off their chests they felt a lot better and the husband no longer cared if they did so many christmas activities and the wife no longer cared if they didn't do so many christmas activities and the problem was solved. The problem was that instead of just coming out and being honest with everything they both tried to solve the problem by forcing what they wanted on their (false) perception of the other person and their motives. The husband's solution to the problem was the problem that the wife was trying to solve and vice versa. So here they were locked in this neverending cycle that was completely unnecessary to begin with because in the end they both wanted the same thing but they were both living in two separate worlds in which they believed they were the hero keeping the other one in check.

That started out as an example of how talking about our problems face to face solves them quicker than holding onto them but got sort of sidetracked and I introduced a whole new set of themes. Anyways, back to Radical Honesty. (But first I might add that that book (Bonds That Make Us Free) has probably been one of the most influential books in the way I view the world and human interactions which extends to politics and many other views. I strongly recommend it to anyone.)

My point is this, which I learned on my mission and which after reading this book (Bonds That Make Us Free), which was the first book I read when I got home, was the realization that the one and only way of solving a conflict between two people or to effectively work between two people is to sit down and tell the other person, face to face, exactly how you feel and why you feel that way and what you think the problem is, then, in return, they can tell you, then you can work it out, face to face. Not in an accusatory manner, but in one that is honest and explains why you feel the way you do (e.g. "If you wouldn't do X then we wouldn't have this problem" (accusatory) vs. "When you do [this thing] then I feel [this thing/creates some problem]. That is why I don't like it.)"). The problem is that, no one actually does that. They have a disagreement with someone so then they don't actually address the problem head on to that person, but as soon as the person is gone they piss and whine to everyone else about their one sided version of the problem, which more times than not, is actually radically different from what the other person's perception of the problem is. Then people start taking sides and deciding who's right when both of them in one way are right and both of them are in one way wrong. They resent their false perception of the other person instead of what that person actually is. This is why lies (or just omission of honesty) creates running sores while the quick pain of truth can pass away. The more I think about it, the more I think that cushioning someone from truth does absolutely no good at all. Provided that, the person isn't just saying it to be nasty, but to let the truth be known and to work out the problems if needs be.

I also think that our culture may not be wired properly just yet (but it's time to evolve, culture) to be able to handle this at first because people might just think that someone is being nasty or mean by telling the truth, but sometimes you have to just understand that even though someone may say something negative by telling the truth it doesn't mean they hate you. We all recognize shortcomings in others and even in ourselves and we don't have to get offended if someone points it out. (This prompts me to go on another similarly related but different tangent on why privacy is overrated but I won't because this is already pretty lengthy.) If we're all aware of it then there's nothing to be gained by ignoring it. Improvement can only come by acknowledging it. We are only holding ourselves and others back by not telling the truth always.

Also, as for this week, I think I've had a few situations in which I've "turned up the throttle" so to speak, but I still have a lot of room for improvement. I feel like I'm funnier when I actually speak what I'm thinking. I also feel at those moments like I'm really living and realize that it's probably the only way to really feel happy. (So why does it have to be so hard to actually do?)

K-Strass

This is funny for so many reasons. But I think it's interesting how fake the newscasters are. Both in the videos with K-Strass and in the pitiful attempt to save face that I just posted. I'm developing a theory that awkward situations usually happen when a fake persona that we're projecting suddenly hits a wall in which it doesn't know how to carry on. E.G. the newscasters here are focused so much on having a good segment that all their attention is focused on their newscasting theatrics that all of a sudden they realize that K-Strass here isn't actually a yo-yo master, that they've been mocked and that goes against their fake persona they're projecting of "competent newscaster" and so they panic, reboot, and try to escape the situation with a transparent "we're having some difficulties" instead of acknowledging the "elephant in the living room". Then, because there is an "elephant in the living room" and everyone person knows it and since they don't acknowledge it because they're still trying to project the fake "competent newscaster" persona, the situation is awkward because at that point the newscasters are completely transparent to everyone watching.

I'm convinced most awkward situations are created because of "elephants in the living room". (I just learned that term but it fits so well that I continue to use it).

The best thing to do in that situation is to figure out a way to project that you are in touch with your surroundings and acknowledge whatever unstated fact is creating the situation. If you are being fake you won't be able to do this effectively. Just one example of human stress created by lack of honesty.

Also it's funny that they continue in their transparently fake personas in this follow-up video when they try to get the upper hand again with their stinging voice inflection (notice when he says the word "zim zam") but they still just look like jackasses. They also try to show how they were playing the sympathy card. I'm not buying it. You just look fake. You did then, you do now.

10 May 2010 Confession

I always go to the library to check out magazines. I usually get two issues of Wired and then sneak over and get an issue of GQ and stick it in between the issues of Wired and either go read it or check them out.

I enjoy Wired magazine but I usually enjoy reading GQ more.

I'm not sure why I feel I have to be ashamed of that.

I also have a digital subscription to Nylon Guys magazine.

My Tumblog

Check out my tumblog that I just redesigned.

Imposter Syndrome

My first day at work orientation made me feel like this:

This state of mind is marked by the feeling that you're not supposed to have the type of authority or competence that you actually have, that you don't deserve it, that you didn't quite earn it. You feel like you're fooling others and that some day they'll get wise and expose you. It's a feeling that you've somehow snuck into a club in which you're not a legitimate member. The club might be the club of "real leaders" or "experts" or "people who know what they're doing." Since you don't belong in the club, you have to police your behavior so as not to draw the wrong type of attention to yourself, attention that might lead to your dreaded "outing." You see others whom you imagine belong in the club who don't have to be careful. You wonder how they do it. You go to sleep at night thinking, "How did I ever get here?"

-Psychology Today

Delusion

Remember several posts back when I said "I don't think I speak with a Wyoming accent".

I lied.

Well, I didn't lie, but I was out of touch with reality when I said it.

Dear Weather:

You're really starting to piss me off. Seriously stop.

For those non-f-bookers out there

Band of Horses + Kid Cudi

KiD CuDi - The Prayer on hypem http://awe.sm/55RE7

Thank you Brian Eno for articulating everything that I believe about politics/society

Amen. This is long, but really good.

There is now an almost total disconnection between the validity of a story and its media success. If it's a good enough - or convenient enough - story, it will echo eternally around the media universe. We lack any publicly accepted way of saying "This is demonstrably wrong," and as a result there is almost no disincentive to unconstrained spinning, trafficking in poor information, and downright lying. The result is a diminishing accountability at almost every level of public discourse and a burgeoning industry of professional Swiftboaters.

There used to be a regular program on BBC radio during the 1980s. It was only five minutes long, but in that five minutes the makers sought to examine a modern myth to see whether it held up to scrutiny. During those Regan/Thatcher years, a popular way of attacking the conspicuously successful (and inconveniently socialistic) Swedish social system was to knowingly point out that they had the world's highest suicide rate - as though the prices of all that official altruism was widespread cultural despondency. Actually it turned out that Sweden didn't have an especially high suicide rate- the country was ranked somewhere in the thirties, below France, Spain, Japan, Belgium, Austria, Switzerland, Denmark, and Germany, and just one place above the United States - but it was too good a story to drop, and to this day you'll still hear it.

I suppose it doesn't really matter if people continue to think the Swedes are killing themselves at record-breaking rates, or if people believe that The Da Vinci Code is a true story (as I was confidently assured by a New York policeman), or if they think that Eskimos have four hundred words for snow, but it really does matter if they believe that Saddam Hussein was responsible for 9/11, or that global warming is an anticapitalist plot, or that Senator Kerry was a coward during his Vietnam service. These things matter because they have direct real-world consequences, and in a media-soaked universe they point out the Achilles' heel of democracy. Democracy was intended to flourish by engaging the intelligence of the wider population - on the assumption that people might, on average, be able to assess what is in their best interests. But if the information upon which they make their assessments is of poor quality, how can that work?

This question is more urgent as we blunder from one global crisis to another on the basis of bad or spun information. We need to be confident of the data we're using and to know when we lack trustworthy data. And we need to act upon reliable data rather than sidelining it if it doesn't sit comfortably with the agenda to which we've already committed. We need, in short, a way of arriving at positions based more on knowledge and reason than on ideology, political convenience, or the needs of business. And we need, in particular, to move on from unproductive positions - to know and admit when we're wrong.

We have one great example of a sort of cultural conversation where this is the case, and that is science. Whatever it's shortcomings and perversions, science is nonetheless committed to an explicit system of validation. Scientific statements are made in accessible (though not always easy) language and propose hypotheses that must be testable -that is, subject to a comparison with current evidence and logic. Among other things, this means that people will sometimes have to admit that an idea they have cherished and nurtured in, in fact, wrong. This act of pragmatic humility is the very underpinning of science and one of the prime reasons for its successes. It allows us to move from ideas that are clearly untrue toward ones that are, at least for now, serviceable. At a certain point, we all had to agree that the world could usefully be regarded as round.

Science is an extraordinary intellectual invention, a construction designed to neutralize the universal human tendency to see what we expected to see and overlook what we didn't expect. It is designed in many ways to subtract data - to create experiments sufficiently insulted from externalities that we can trace a clear connection from a cause to an effect. It seeks out to cancel prejudices, environmental contingencies, group think, tradition, pride, hierarchy, dogma - to subtract them all and to see what this or that corner of the world looks like without their effects.

But then there is the brain itself - a brilliant machine but with a few occasionally troublesome work-arounds. These work-arounds enable us to form complex ideas from insubstantial data - to "jump to conclusions" or "make intuitive leaps." They allow us to recognize familiar pattens when we see only parts of them. They allow us to make deductions about meaning from context. All these valuable talents carry with them a downside: A familiar but wrong conclusion is more likely to be reached than an unfamiliar one.

Most of us, in our daily lives, arrive at our feelings about things through a vast and usually unexamined hotchpotch of received opinion, prejudice, cultural consensus, personal experience, reason and observation. We would generally be hard pressed to trace the source of those feelings in any rigorous way: Why, for instance, would I call myself a liberal pragmatist rather than, say, a neoconservative or a Trotskyite? I'd like to think it's because I carefully evaluated the various philosophical choices. But I know that I'm not free of prejudice (those neocons dress so badly!) and that I probably arrived at my current position as much through my particular unexamined hotchpotch as through reason. If we don't know the sources of the attitudes we hold, we can avoid taking responsibility for them and leave ourselves plenty of ways of saying we weren't really wrong - or that the thing that has turned out to be wrong wasn't what we meant anyway.

The conceit of science is that we should be satisfied when our ideas are shown to be wrong, for we've moved on from a delusion and our picture of the world is therefore less wrong. Of course, it doesn't feel like this at the time; far from knowing more, we feel like we suddenly know a lot less. A bit of the world we thought we'd secured is wild and mysterious again. This is a difficult feeling to live with; it's much more comforting to cling to a familiar idea even when it runs against the tide of evidence than to have no idea at all.

If you've spent a long time thinking yourself into a certain intellectual position, you are naturally resistant to letting it go. A lot of work went into it. If it "felt right" to you for whatever complex mesh of personal reasons makes an idea "feel right," then to abandon it isn't just a question of rationality but also a question of self-esteem. For if that feeling was wrong, how many others might be? How much of the rest of your intellectual world are you going to have to pick apart? And if everyone has watched you thinking your way there and seen you building your city around it, there might also be the simple issue of losing face.

For this reason, these essays exhibit a kind of intellectual honesty often lacking in much of human discourse. They give me real hope for the human race. The humility it takes to admit that you're wrong and the fortitude it takes to endure the chilly interval of uncertainty until the next step - finding a better idea - are manifest again and again. And there's courage, too, when evidence leads you away from the comfortable consensus into thoughts that might be highly incendiary and politically sensitive - thoughts you might not even like very much yourself.

If we are ever going to achieve a rational approach to organizing our affairs, we have to dignify the process of admitting to being wrong. It doesn't help matters at all if the media, or your friends, accuse you of "flip-flopping" when you change your mind. Changing our minds is our hope for the future.

Brockman, John. What Have You Changed Your Mind about?. Boston: Twayne Publishers, 2009.