The years go fast but the days go so slow

I was thinking about this song today and looked up the lyrics and realized it captured a lot of what I was feeling.

Oh, noose
Tied myself in, tied myself too tight

Looking kind of anxious in your cross-armed stance
Like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
And I claim I'm not excited with my life anymore
So I blame this town, this job, these friends [I like you friends], the truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself and pinpoint who I am
When I finally get it figured out, I've changed the whole damn plan

Oh, noose
Tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Oh, noose
Tied myself in, tied myself too tight

Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon
Changed my mind so much I can't even trust it
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself

I really enjoyed that dance party. More than I have enjoyed any dance party in a while. I am attributing this success to one or more of the following factors:

1. Monster energy drink beforehand (however, around 12 I CRASHED)
2. Short shorts (with my Prefontaine costume)(Once that much is out there there's no point in holding anything back.)
3. Watching this beforehand:

Soc 112 - [My] Current Social Problems

I don't think I've ever left this class in a positive mood. I usually feel 1 of 3 things.

1. Raging anger and hatred like I want to punch someone.
2. Despair that I have no value in our society.
3. Stress that I'm running my own life into the ground.

I realize that most of these are overreactions but yet I can't help but feel them every Tuesday and Thursday.

Junior High

Lately I've been sick of all of the music I've been listening to so at work I go back and listen to stuff I used to listen to in 7th - 9th grade. Sometimes I still really like it, sometimes I don't like it at all.

Today I listened to Four Minute Mile and the Woodson and Red Letter Day EPs by The Get Up Kids and I can't get enough of it.

Hey Barret, read this one first you conceited buttface

I'm just k'in ya.

That post a few posts back that looks like a poem was really just a joke between me and Barret. That was a paragraph from that post about Facebook stalking that I translated from language to language using Google translate and then back into English then added line breaks to look like a poem.

I just found out that one of my friends I used to skate with back home committed suicide yesterday. I haven't talked to him in at least 3 years and we weren't super close so I'm not super emotional, but it still kind of gives me a knot in stomach, shocked kind of feeling.

edgy

There are things about this that I don't like but I'm posting it anyway

I made this when I was 16. I wish I would have made the beginning part with the alien pictures flow a little better, the flashing part is kind of choppy and clumsy I feel. I like all the pictures that I used, I just wish that I had edited it to flash more and faster and just had everything lined up with the beat of the music more.

P.S.

This old post is pertinent to my last post.

Today I suddenly felt like my brain has been choking my heart. Sometimes I feel like those two are always in a battle.

I feel like I need some new hobbies, or rather, I feel like I need to get back into my old hobbies. I checked out a book about skateboard art and another book about Zines. I miss making stuff in Photoshop, stencils, drawing, web design, etc. When I was subscribed to Transworld Skateboarding my favorite thing each week was an article about some artist who was related to the skateboard industry.

Favorites that I can remember:
Andrew Pommier
Lori D
This dude

I had more to link to but I just went to the site that listed the links I wanted to get to and realized it's gone now. Which makes me sad because I have no other way of ever getting to it.

Update: I just found them thanks to the internet archive. But there aren't as many there as I thought there were.

I always feel super insecure about any artwork that I do. Especially at BYU. Mostly because I know nothing about art. I stopped taking art classes in 9th grade. (I just dropped out of one yesterday also.) But I want to do it more and just learn as I go and not worry about theory or whatever. It's not like it will be my job. Plus, I am one of those people who wants to get into a new thing so I spend a lot of time reading and learning about it and never actually doing it. I think it will be good practice to say, "I'm doing this. React how you will" and then put it out there without more thought to it.

I realize that I miss doing all the creative stuff I used to do in High School though. A lot. I got pretty decent at Photoshop and stuff back in those days. I am going to post this motion graphics thing I made. It's not super awesome but I think it was pretty good for what it was at the time. I was 16 when I made it.

Also, I notice that whenever I go through identity crises (which seem to happen to me every few months since being at college) I almost always remember skateboard culture that I was so into growing up and realize that is how I feel comfortable defining myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm just some intruder kid from Wyoming trying to fit myself into some subculture where I don't belong or don't understand, but then I realize that that's BS and that growing up skateboarding is what influenced me and my interests and what made me what I am today instead of some kid working at a gas station back home at 22, married to some girl I knocked up while listening to Toby Keith in the back of my truck. Skateboard culture is so much more than just skateboarding though. I feel like, to a certain extent, skateboarding is sort of a safehouse for misfits (in a positive way). It's a positive place for those who don't feel connected to mainstream culture, (but, like I said, in a positive way.) For those that realized that there's just a lot of cruel pretentious bullshit going on in society for no good reason and it's a safe place to step back from all the social facades and be real. (As a disclaimer, there are always a bunch of punk ass kids at the skatepark who don't get it and are just straight up punks, but that's not what it's about. Those who are truly in touch with the culture realize it's more than that.) I feel like I'm doing a terrible job at explaining this. I wish I had all my old magazines because I could quote an article about that. I always feel at home when I realize that. I never feel out of place and I never feel like I'm trying to be something I'm not. One time freshman year one of my sister's older friends asked me, "So what are you all about man?" and I really didn't know how to answer him, which made me feel like I didn't know who I was, what I was doing in life, and what I cared about. Which was true. Then later that year when I moved back home and starting skateboarding with my younger friends and reading skate magazines and watching videos a lot I felt like I had rediscovered a part of myself that I had forgotten was at my core. It wrote the thesis statement for my life.

On a side note: Today I think I decided that I like Philosophy more than Sociology. That's fine though, because I'm already 1/3 done with a Philosophy minor.

Damn your Eyes

Draw a very interesting,
though not directly related
to the end of after
to belong in a way I think.

Especially because he is the cause
and/or notes for Facebook to a new
(Unwanted) manners of the nations simply:
the people.

It admits the file (as) a new one.
This basically is the instrument of focus
that the people allow the
normal human behavior to reason,
which focused on what was not first.

At least it's me.
Just as I, because I enlarge on what is
the criteria to define that
narcissism was given to any other relation.

Here's to you Mr. Kerouac

Somewhere along last night my pissed-offedness turned into a useful anger in which I felt very assertive and in a way that made me feel like, "Hey, I'm doing this. If you don't like it too bad." And I mean "this" as in, pursuing whatever I want without over thinking it and worrying about things that could go wrong. Basically, I am sick of worrying about what-ifs. And it feels good now.

. . .because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn. . .

Suck It Provo

Remember when I wrote that post writing about how everyone hates on Provo and then quoted the Atmosphere song? I take it back. Right now I feel like giving a hearty double barreled birdies to Provo and everything in it.

Rationally I can think of a hundred reasons to not feel this way and how it could be better if I just did X and Y blah blah suck it but right now I'm sick of being so logically responsible.

I'm just gonna be pissed.

Interesting Article

No, Facebook Does Not Make You Narcissistic

I think this is very interesting, and while not directly related to my last post, I think it's somewhat relevant. Mostly because it points out that Facebook is not causing or creating new (undesirable) human behavior, it is just a tool allowing humans to behave (the same) in new ways. Basically, it is just a tool allowing humans to bring focus to an aspect of normal human behavior that hasn't had as much focus as before. At least, that's what I feel. Also, I like the point he makes about the fact that the criteria to define narcissism is probably differing between those citing the data.

Basically, I just hate when something new comes along and everyone suddenly jumps on a point-out-negative-things-about-this-new-thing bandwagon. Because usually what they are pointing out are faults in human behavior that existed before said new thing appeared. I also hate shows like Dateline. Even when they make a point that I somewhat agree with, I always disagree with the way they've made it because it's overly simplified and presented on a very shallow level, which can create strong emotion in (non critically thinking) viewers without giving them a sound understanding of the problem. And zeal without knowledge is always a bad combination.

Secret (Crotch) Crusher (Double Meanings! Get it?!)

Sometimes I'd like to imagine that someone who has never met me, or maybe, someone who is acquainted with someone I know but who I've never actually met reads the stuff I write and has a secret crush on me.

I feel like our society is in an interesting position right now because I think that things like Facebook and Blogs have become part of our culture, yet we keep saying words like Facebook stalk and Blog stalk. Personally, if someone I doesn't know likes to check out my Facebook or Blog, I am flattered and don't consider it stalking. Yet we all keep acting like we have to be ashamed of it. Maybe if you started sending me pictures of a high heel stomping on a testicle (based on a true story that happened to me) with menacing subject lines, then yes, I would say you have gone too far and are now in the area of "stalking." Or if you started relentlessly messaging me without me ever responding, then that would be "stalking." Obviously those are extreme behaviors, and obviously, extreme behaviors are undesirable in any circumstance and aren't the product of Facebook or Blogs, they are the product of crazy people who'd be crazy with or without modern technology. So let's stop comparing ourselves to them for a behavior that I'm pretty sure is normal. I don't feel that perusing the Facebook/Blog of someone I don't actually know/know well is "stalking" because that's just what we do these days. And if I really felt you were invading my privacy by doing so I would put a password on my Blog or put some serious privacy restrictions on my Facebook, or not post pictures on Facebook, or just write in a private journal, etc.

Anyways, secret cyber crusher-on-me, if you exist or will exist sometime in the future, I give you full permission to read my blog as much as you want.